Dating can be pretty difficult, even with all of the apps designed to “help.”
Take this Reddit user, for example. She’s been attempting to date on her own terms, but it’s left her feeling like she’s the only 22-year-old woman in the world who believes in taking things slow and not getting too intimate too fast.Astarot/Getty Images
I’m a 22-year-old female in the U.S., and while I’ve never dated much due to being focused on school and other things, I’ve started to get back into it.
I recently went on a casual lunch date with a guy I found off Tinder a couple years older than me. He offered to pick me up from class and drive me to the restaurant; I very politely refused and said I’m happy to meet him there. He was fairly bummed out and came up with a couple other reasons as to why I should catch a ride with him: “it’s cold” “it’s the polite thing to do”. Weird, but I insisted I can drive myself and am happy to fill him in on why I prefer to drive when we meet up.
After meeting her date for lunch, he asked her again why she refused his offer to pick her up.
She explained in more detail that she declined for safety reasons, that she was assaulted in a vehicle and hoped to never put herself in a situation like that again, and that she’s a fairly independent person who prefers to do things for herself when she can.
The Reddit user said her date didn’t appear to “truly grasp” her reasons, but the rest of her time with him went pretty smoothly with the exception of a few things.
At the end when we were leaving, he very quickly swept in for a hug and caught me off guard, so I didn’t really hug back as I didn’t see it coming. I’m really not a hugger at all, I very much appreciate my space; maybe its just who I am, but I reserve hugs for people I actually know, not individuals who are essentially strangers still. There were a couple other things throughout the lunch that stood out- he got pretty intimate about family and life, and just seemed a little bit too…intense overall.
The 22-year-old admitted that this wasn’t the first time she experienced this type of interaction while on dates.
It then made her wonder if she was “missing some kind of dating etiquette”:
Am I just somewhat of a cold-hearted witch, or am I right when I say that it seems people are getting too intense too soon?
I very much am an emotional and caring person who wants an actual relationship, but I don’t throw myself at people so quickly. There are times I feel that I’ll never get into a relationship because I don’t open my entire heart and life to someone on one of the first dates.
Other Reddit users weighed in on her situation.
Most commenters felt that she did need to be more open on what to expect on a first date:
I agree with both but what do you mean by intimate with family and life? There is nothing wrong with talking about your life and family, it might be different if he is talking about personal skeletons in the closet of families or their own personal business.
Agreed. I mean, isn’t that the point of dates? To get a sense of who they are as a person which includes friends, family, interests, etc. But maybe that’s just me. Personally, I’ve really enjoyed first dates where we randomly delve into a very deep subjects and get that instant connection with a near-stranger. It makes dates a lot more interesting IMO than stagnating on surface subjects like the weather, what you do on weekends, how’s your job, etc. Especially if you’ve been on a lot of first-dates. The same topics get really dull so it’s fun to switch things up sometimes.
Yeah, I’m not really sure what OP wants out of a date. A casual lunch with only small talk and no physical contact? That sounds more like a platonic meeting than a date, like meeting a new client or realtor for the first time.
I wonder if OP desires to get to know someone on a friendship level before introducing romantic interest…she sounds like she wants to keep a good amount of distance at first. Which is totally fine, but might be hard to do when she’s using dating apps to meet people.
Do you think some people are too quick to open up while on a first date … or do you think some people need to open up more?