Laura Mazza is close enough to her due date that she’s started thinking about body hair — specifically, how to reduce some of hers before she ends up in the delivery room.
I have thought about removing my own body hair so that I don’t get shaved down by a nurse in the act of a Cesarean and die of embarrassment because she needs a whipper snipper to cut through the Sherwood Forest.
To her frustration, however, Mazza was born with “thick dark hair like Bigfoot,” along with very sensitive, very pale skin.
Mazza was reluctant to get waxed because of the pain factor. Then, a friend recommended she try a hair removal cream, which (theoretically) is a painless way to remove hair and lasts longer than shaving. So the mom bought a bottle and gave it a try:
I have sensitive skin, psoriasis, asparagus veins, you name it. Pregnancy has bought all this shit out ten fold. So I very wisely did a spot test on my arm by applying this rose smelling/burning ballsweat cream and waited the five minutes, wiped it off with a sponge and OH MY LORD, hair was gone.
Thrilled that she’d found a way to smoothly, painlessly remove her hair, Mazza proceeded to start applying it all over. After all, the bottle said it was perfectly safe for the bikini line:
Little bit under the arms, bit on my legs, some on my chin, little bit on the bikini line, okay a lot on the bikini line … I was ready to come out looking like Mr. Bigglesworth.
As she waited for the cream to take effect, Mazza jumped in the shower to apply a face mask. In the process, she got splashed a bit, which she didn’t think much of. However, the splash was just the start of a, “river to my lower lady bits that would pave the way to THE HIGHWAY OF HELL.”
The patch test had lied. Mazza’s skin began to burn under a cream that “was going to reign Satan’s fury all over my body.” She wrote:
It felt like someone had basted me with bleach and LAVA was erupting into my baby maker oven.
Under the circumstances, Mazza did the only thing possible. That is, she yelped in pain while desperately trying to get the cream back off her skin:
Naturally I start to scream like a hyena and furiously try to wash it off. But it only really comes off with this rubber sponge you see … (which I forgot) and I don’t have a detachable shower head so I’m trying to yoga my way to get this shit off that stung my lady’s petticoat so bad I felt like I’d been attacked by a thousand wasps.
Of course, screaming and hopping around in the bathroom tends to draw an audience. Knowing his wife is nine months pregnant, Mazza’s husband drew the obvious conclusion and came running to the rescue:
Of course husband thinks I’m in labor and comes rushing in with some tongs (wanting to catch the baby? No they were for something else … I’m still unsure). “Are you in labor?” He asks holding the tongs. “No! Omg I’m having a reaction to the cream!!” He looks at my face and sees half-hardened face mask and thinks I put the cream on my face so he helpfully grabs a towel and starts rubbing my face while I’m trying to push him away. “That’s a face mask!!” I screamed as he rubbed harder.
Still trying to scrub the lava cream off her body, Mazza tried to explain what was going on to her husband. Which drew an even bigger audience:
Meanwhile my kids come in and think it’s hilarious to see Mummy replicate ‘Simon says’ really fast — going from my knees and toes — while Dad is trying to splash me with a bucket of water to make things faster.
Eventually, she managed to get all the cream off, though it left her with chemical burns and red splotches all over her body. On the bright side, it did work as advertised:
It removed all the hair … so now I’m an angry hairless chihuahua. I look like a hairless cat who has the measles. A mutant ladybug.
Mazza says the unfortunate side effects were her own fault for not reading the part in the instructions that warns against using the cream if you have skin conditions. After her experience she has something to add to the cautions on the bottle:
“[K]eep away from children, and ladies who should just stick to their natural state of hairiness.”