In July 2016, Tara Wood was facing a typical parental dilemma — she was out in public when her child fell in desperate need of a bathroom.
As Wood shared on her Facebook page, she was shopping at Marshalls when her little girl, Norah, had to go. Bad.
Wood whisked her daughter toward the back of the store toward the restrooms, but once past the bathroom door they were met with a nasty surprise:
There was someone in one of the stalls already and she was stinking it up. Like, my eyes stung and watered.
Thankfully for her wriggling child, one stall was available — next to the one so unfortunately occupied.
Aware that the woman in the stall was trying to keep quiet in an effort to retain a smidgen of privacy, Wood tried her best to get her daughter in and out as fast as possible. She, too, was desperate to exit the noxious facilities:
At this point, Norah was sitting on the toilet and I was sort of motioning for her to hurry because I wanted to die.
However, despite Wood’s best efforts (and the woman’s), her daughter took too long. The woman in the other stall couldn’t hold back:
Then the lady in the stall next to us released a long series of machine gun farts that were so deep and powerful that I felt the earth move underfoot. I guess she just couldn’t clench any longer. Bless.
Not only had she and her daughter born audible witness to the mass exodus, to Wood’s horror, her little girl found it funny:
I held my breath and looked at Norah, whose eyes were full of amused surprise and big as dinner plates. I prayed that the smile spreading across her face wasn’t an indication of the cringe-worthy f**kery this three year old loose cannon was about to spew from her mouth.
I put my index finger up to my closed lips in the Universal sign of “Shhhh…don’t say anything. Jesus, please, just stay quiet.”
But it was too late. Norah couldn’t hold back, either:
Norah: “Howy cwap, Mom. You here dat? Dat was some big farts. That lady next to me? That lady right der? She was farting and farting and farting. She had some big ones.”
Worse, the little girl asked the woman how she faired after the incident:
“You okay? Lady? You okay with dem big farts in there? You need some help? Dems some pop, pop, pop, farts…”
The lady continued to stay quiet, but Norah couldn’t:
Me (utterly mortified for that woman): “Norah! Hush! Just wipe and let’s go, please.”
Norah: “Okay, okay….you smell dat? She already pooped too. She’s farting and farting and pooping altogether at the same times. That’s a lot of smell and pop pop farts, right Mom?”
Wood, embarrassed beyond all comprehension, grabbed her daughter from the potty and ran out of there:
…I picked her up, pants still around her ankles, and carried her out of the bathroom, walked five aisles away, and slathered enough hand sanitizer on both of us to kill any Ebola that might be lingering in our neighboring states.
Wood’s humiliation at her daughter’s remarks at a stranger’s severe gastrointestinal distress lasted long enough for the mother to issue an apology once she got home.
As she concluded her epically embarrassing tale:
So, lady in the Marshall’s bathroom with a*s gas so deep and bass-heavy that it could have easily been mistaken for one of those weird horns they use in the Ricola commercials, if you’re reading this, I’d like to apologize for my daughter’s play by play of your angry bowel situation.
She’s super into farting and not farting and any and everything having to do with farting right now.
Kids are dreadful and highly inappropriate.
This isn’t the first time Wood has shared an account of what happens when Norah talks to strangers (although this particular time was a little different).
Just last year, Wood documented an encounter between her daughter and an elderly man at the grocery store when Norah couldn’t resist calling out to him.
Although Wood claimed she was embarrassed at first by her Norah’s bluntness — as she shouted at the man: “Hi, old person! It’s my birthday today!” — the two formed an instant friendship that quickly went viral.
At the time, Wood said:
“Sometimes talking to strangers turns into the most beautiful thing in the world.”
This time, it happened to be beautifully entertaining.