Constance Hall doesn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea from her seemingly equal and perfect marriage.
The truth is that things aren’t always as equal as they appear.
As the popular mom blogger and author shared on Facebook, she often gets compliments about how involved her husband, Denim Cooke, is:
I get so many messages on Instagram about how “hands on” my husband is. And even people telling me that we are “couple goals.”
Hall and Cooke just welcomed their first child together, and the mom of five isn’t mincing words about the strain that has put on their marriage. Despite appearances, Hall wrote that “the truth is that having a baby has pushed my relationship to the absolute edge.”
I get so many messages on Instagram about how “hands on” my husband is. And even people telling me that we are “couple…
She went on to explain that the problem isn’t that a new baby brings more work. She can handle the extra work. Rather, it’s the “unjust, unfair living arrangements that so commonly follow the birth of a baby.”
I’m not man bashing or airing my dirty laundry or doing any of the other ridiculous things that people say when someone speaks out in their truth against a system that greatly benefits one gender while driving another insane.
The minute the baby came out, I became the ball and chain.
From a couple that went everywhere together, they became a couple that took two trips apart over the Christmas holidays. And she can’t help but notice that certain things — like holding the baby or going places with her — suddenly became a chore or a favor.
On the same day that I found out that Two members of the wiggles were married, I found out that they were getting…
Hall is still going through all of the things that moms of young children experience, and the “hands-on” nature of her husband hasn’t changed that:
I am lonely. I wake up with my baby at 6 a.m. and I’m in bed exhausted by 8 p.m. That’s the thing about babies, they take away all of your alone time and somehow leave you feeling incredibly lonely.
And she can’t help but be angry about it:
I am resentful. After doing so many loads of washing the other morning while his highness slept in for the 340th time this year I flooded the bathroom, mopped for half an hour, put the baby down, made myself some eggs, walked past the wet patch and slipped, smashing my plate and knees. And I was not expecting to not be able to get up. I just lay there, covered in washing machine water. Furiously crying. So f**king angry with where motherhood/wifehood has taken me.
What’s more, like so many other moms, she’s exhausted and worn down by it all — the late-night feedings, the chores, the cleaning, the demands of the other children, and more. Hall wrote:
Is this what equality looks like? You have a baby and you become insect repellent to husbands?
Women are now allowed to work for a s**ttier wage and then come home and still squeeze in all the work we had to do in the 50s?
So while the compliments about her equal relationship and hands-on husband might be gratifying, they’re not a true reflection of what she’s going through. She wrote:
Thank you for giving me some superficial gratification when telling me that we are couple goals but in the spirit of honesty, having a baby is one thing, sharing that baby is a completely different story.
But despite her complaints, Hall is hopeful about the future:
Where there is love there is a way and there is no shortage of love in my marriage. We will grow and we will be ok.
Her marriage might not be as ideal as it seems from the outside, but neither of them has any intention of giving up.
As Hall concluded, “As my recently divorced male friend told me, ‘You think having a baby and wife is depressing … until they leave you. And then you learn the meaning of depressing.'”