Columnist Abigail Van Buren, also known as “Dear Abby,” received a letter from a woman who recently filed for divorce.
The woman wrote that she learned that her husband of 17 years had been cheating on her. Even worse, she found out online that he was “engaged” to the other woman.
He has been seeing her all this time, while financially supporting my household and saying, “Goodbye, I love you,” at the end of our phone calls and texts. Needless to say, I have filed for divorce.
The woman and her family moved to Texas to follow her husband. Now she’s considering telling the other woman to warn her of his infidelity and their shared financial troubles.
But Abby responded that by reaching out to the fiancée, it would only make the divorce more difficult. “And I have serious doubts that you’ll achieve your goal,” Abby wrote.
It appears that many other experts agree with Abby.
Rick Reynolds, a marriage counselor and family therapist who specializes in infidelity, wrote in a blog post on HuffPost that he “rarely” finds any benefit from telling the other person and “certainly witnessed a great deal of harm.”
He recommends spending energy focusing on your personal recovery from the relationship:
The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind.
Reynolds has an affair analyzer test to help cheaters and victims determine what to do next after learning about an infidelity.
Perhaps there are some things that are better left unsaid.