New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his wife, model Gisele Bündchen, seemingly have it all together.

However, as Bündchen revealed in her new memoir, that’s not necessarily the case.

She said in an exclusive interview with People:

“Things can be looking perfect on the outside, but you have no idea what’s really going on. I felt like maybe it was time to share some of my vulnerabilities, and it made me realize, everything I’ve lived through, I would never change because I think I am who I am because of those experiences.”

Fifteen years ago, Bündchen began dealing with anxiety.

She said of that time:

“I had a wonderful position in my career, I was very close to my family, and I always considered myself a positive person, so I was really beating myself up. Like, ‘Why should I be feeling this?’ I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel bad, but I felt powerless. Your world feels smaller and smaller and you can’t breathe, which is the worst feeling I’ve ever had.”

That powerless feeling led her to even consider suicide, according to USA Today:

“I actually had the feeling of ‘If I just jump off my balcony, this is going to end and I never have to worry about this feeling of my world closing in.'”

Another vulnerable time in Bündchen’s life was when she first became a mother.

She told People that she felt like her independence had been ripped away from her when their son, Benjamin, was born.

The model explained:

“When I became a mom, I kind of lost myself. It was like a part of me died. I’d been this very independent person. It was all about me. But now I had this little being, and I suddenly felt l couldn’t do other things and that was very hard for me. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, but when you’re actually experiencing that, it’s a shock.”

Bündchen continued on to say that she had a lot of “self-imposed guilt” weighing on her as a mom when she would have to leave for work instead of spending every waking moment with her kids.

She added:

“I had all this horrible, self-imposed guilt. I thought what a terrible mother I was for leaving my child even for like a day.”

The mom even felt guilty when she would bring her children to work with her:

“I was feeling guilty for that too. Like, ‘Here we are on a plane and the baby is crying.'”

And those parenting woes took their toll on her marriage to Brady as well.

As Bündchen told People, being with their children from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. every day while Brady trained left the mother with very little energy to extend to her husband when he got home from work:

“You’re overwhelmed and tired and then you’re not the nicest partner.”

The now-published author said that she and Brady have had a plethora of high and low moments as well as their fair share of arguments.

She described one of those arguments to People, saying that it stemmed from an “angry” email she received from her husband when she was away from him in a different country.

Bündchen said she replied back to him with a letter in a similar tone, but instead of sending it, she burned it:

“Then I told him I was ready to speak whenever he was ready to resume the conversation in a loving and respectful way.”

Bündchen said that she and Brady have learned how to work through those rough patches and will continue to do that throughout the rest of their marriage:

“When someone you love is happy, it makes you happy, or if they’re sad it makes you sad. You suffer with them and you have joy with them.”

She added that Brady has read her book but has never asked about what she wrote in the letter she inevitably burned.

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