It was a new mom asking for permission to leave her baby behind while she went on a trip with her husband. But it wasn’t the childcare question that had this dad blogger stunned. It was what her question said about her marriage.
There was a woman asking for parenting advice on the internet. Firstly that’s just fucking stupid… but I’m not here to…
As Brad Kearns, who blogs as DaDMum, wrote on Facebook, his attention was recently caught by a woman who asked the internet if “it was unreasonable to leave her 12 week old baby behind because they really needed the holiday and some ‘us time.’ She wanted to reconnect with her husband.”
While most of those who responded were focused on the issue of leaving behind a newborn, Kearns was more concerned with the fact that the woman felt she and her husband need to get away from everything in order to help their marriage.
As a dad of two (with another on the way), Kearns knows what it means to have a busy home. He and his wife have been together for 10 years, and they both know that things won’t be slowing down for a couple more decades.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand the mom’s motivation for a couples-only vacation:
With kids and jobs and commitments we don’t get much “us time” either. And I totally get where the woman was coming from. I get why she wants to get away and I get why she sees alone time as the catalyst for them reconnecting in their relationship.
Of course it’s nice to have the chance to connect one-on-one. But Kearns also doesn’t think it’s necessary. Or rather, it shouldn’t be necessary:
“I don’t get why people always try to black out all the noise in their life just to reconnect with a person,” he wrote. “Because if that person really wants to be with you, the noise won’t even matter.”
For Kearns, it comes down to the work that you put in as a couple day in and day out — not whether you can make a connection in an ideal setting. He points out that “when two people are both trying they’ll find a way to love each other after a big day’s work.”
So apparently science has proved that being in a relationship makes you fatter.Dear all the single people of the…
Kearns believes you don’t need a vacation to talk for hours about your dreams and that you can still laugh together while the kids are sleeping or “hold each other” like teenagers despite the fact that you’re in a room full of scattered Legos.
Yes, it’s true that work and kids can be hard. But the key to a good relationship is making it work during the strain and tedium of everyday life. As Kearns wrote:
[N]o matter how tough it gets; you gotta learn to stay connected during the boring s**t too. It’s those little things every day that make the difference. You have no f**king idea how much a kiss or a message can make them remember all the things that made you fall in love.
Kearns’ point is that you don’t need to escape from your life in order to connect with your spouse. He wrote:
If you can’t sit over a bag of hot chips, look down at the child you created, look back up at the person who did that with you and feel more of a connection than you ever did before… you don’t need parenting advice.
You need relationship advice.
In the comments, many people took issue with Kearns, saying they value the time they get to spend with a partner (and away from the kids) as it gives them the chance to have adult conversations or just be intimate.
However, Kearns noted that he wasn’t talking about a weekend or a date night, but the need to go on a full two-week vacation alone. While admitting he might be old-fashioned, Kearns wrote, “I don’t know what a holiday can do for your relationship that you can’t do by being in the same suburb as your kids.”