Granger Smith’s wife Amber Smith took to Instagram this week with an emotional post explaining how it felt to be alone for the first time following the tragic drowning death of the couple’s 3-year-old son, River.

Since the toddler tragically passed away last month, Amber has openly grieved River‘s death.

In a recent post, she talked about spending time by herself for the first time since his passing to truly mourn.

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We have had such overwhelming help since we lost River. People have been at our house non stop, checking on us, bringing us food, talking with us, praying with us, but for the first time in a month, I was alone for a couple days this past weekend. Granger was on tour and the kids were with family. I decided I needed to just be alone. I needed to just feel all of the emotions. I allowed myself to let out everything I was feeling. I cried. Guttural, animal cries for our son. I’m pretty sure I cried inside and outside every place there was on our property. I so needed it. I talked to God, I talked to River, I read books on Hope and Joy and Grief and Love. I watched movies about Heaven. Cried some more. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but the way Granger and I see it, we can run away from God at this time or we can run to Him. He’s been with us every step of the way, from the first responders and neighbors the night of the accident, to the doctors and nurses hands, to the friends and family by our side, to everything that fell into place so seamlessly for River’s service, to the rainbow He gave us after. He’s been there. So why would we turn on Him now? This life isn’t meant to be perfect. We will face trials and tribulations, loss and heartache, but it’s how we respond to everything thrown at us that matters. Will we retreat and hide from it or will we learn grow from it? I know what I’m choosing. I’m making a conscious choice each and every day to grow from all of this. Does it suck, hell yes. Do I understand? Hell no. Will I have setbacks? Yes. But do I Trust? Yes. I’m committed to loving people and raising kind humans and spreading our love for God, even in the shitty, unfair times. For anyone going through a life changing event in their lives, you are stronger than you think. You can get up. You can fight and find joy, not happiness, happiness is circumstantial. I won’t be “happy” for a while, maybe ever, but I can still have joy in my heart. Joy for my family, my life, and God. And you can too. ❤️

A post shared by Amber Smith (@amberemilysmith) on

She wrote:

We have had such overwhelming help since we lost River. People have been at our house non stop, checking on us, bringing us food, talking with us, praying with us, but for the first time in a month, I was alone for a couple days this past weekend.

The mom continued to explain:

Granger was on tour and the kids were with family. I decided I needed to just be alone. I needed to just feel all of the emotions. I allowed myself to let out everything I was feeling. I cried.  cried. Guttural, animal cries for our son. I’m pretty sure I cried inside and outside every place there was on our property. I so needed it.

Granger and Amber have shared candid details about their heartbreaking experience and said the tragedy has forced them to cling to God even more during these difficult, painful days.

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Missing my baby so much ❤️. People keep saying, “you’re so strong” “how are you functioning?” “I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.” I am broken. My heart will never be the same. I will never be the same. Yes, I have strong moments, but I also (as any grieving mother would do) cry, scream, question, and fall to my knees. Then I get back up and fight. I just want to share my journey with all of you because it will be a long road, and if we can help at least one person going through something like this, then it is worth it to me to be open about my feelings, my faith, my struggles. To any of you experiencing a loss of any kind (and maybe I’m just trying to remind myself here) – You can do this. You can grieve and still be strong for your family, husband and or other kiddos. Lean in to Him in your weakness and learn to not beat yourself up (like I do) when you are having a moment of calm. Shut out the negative and focus on the light and the love. 💫 Be kind to those around you. Before you choose to judge or tear down, always try to encourage or lift people up. That person next to you, that car in front of you, that woman down the street, that man in your office, those kiddos in the store, you never know what kind of trials they are facing. Thank you all again for sharing your stories of loss with me, for lifting my family up through prayers and encouragement. YOU are the reasons for my strength at times and I’m so grateful. ♥️

A post shared by Amber Smith (@amberemilysmith) on

Amber said:

 I talked to God, I talked to River, I read books on Hope and Joy and Grief and Love. I watched movies about Heaven. Cried some more. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but the way Granger and I see it, we can run away from God at this time or we can run to Him.

She continued to express her brutally honest feelings and talked about holding on to her faith through the setbacks and hard memories.

“I won’t be ‘happy’ for a while, maybe ever, but I can still have joy in my heart. Joy for my family, my life, and God. And you can too.”

About the author

Tiffani is a writer for Dearly. She is from New York City. Prior to working for Dearly she covered fashion news and managed social media for various digital media outlets.

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