The wedding industry has put a lot of effort into persuading brides that your wedding is the ultimate reflection of your personality and taste. So it’s hard to blame a bride for being upset to learn her big day isn’t going to be unique.Terje Sollie/Pexels
As user daftpink wrote on Mumsnet, she has been planning a wonderful, laid-back wedding with a small group of family and friends, a stark contrast to her best friend’s more traditional approach:
I am getting married in June — we’re having a ‘wedding weekend’ and have hired a lovely large house & guest cottages with an indoor swimming pool, games room etc from the Friday to Monday for our 25 guests.
We have organised a meal on the Friday night, a BBQ Party for the Saturday after the registry office and then a chilled out pool party on the Sunday.
My [best friend] also has her wedding planned for September — a more formal church affair with sit down dinner etc.
Unfortunately, her best friend just changed her wedding plans, replacing the formal wedding with one that looks a lot like daftpink’s … right down to the venue:
[My best friend] has announced that the wedding plans have changed as she is 8 weeks pregnant … and that she has just booked the same house and is planning to invite close family and friends to join them for a relaxing weekend away to celebrate their wedding — five weeks before my wedding!
Our friendship group is the same, so other than family, we will have the same guests.
Basically, now her wedding will be almost the same as mine, but as hers is first, I’m the one that will look like I copied her!
What the bride wants to know is whether it’s unreasonable to be “absolutely livid that she’s done this to me.”
To which I say … it’s not unreasonable, but it is unhelpful.
In your shoes, I would dedicate at least two days to being extremely annoyed at my friend. And I’d be tempted to engage in a little passive-aggressive payback – you know, things like not “liking” her Facebook posts about her wedding, answering, “hmmmm,” if she asks what I think of her lipstick, or asking her which champagne would make the best wedding toast and then adding, “Oh. I forgot. The baby.”
It’s okay to be angry that your friend is stealing a bit of your wedding thunder. And I won’t even feed you the tired line, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” because the compliment is overshadowed by the fact that the timing of the weddings will make you look like the imitator.
So, go ahead. Be irritated. Spend a cathartic twenty minutes telling your fiancé about the time she spent a whole day pretending she was fluent in French only to find out afterwards that she’d actually asked the cute guy at work about the spotted eel in his trousers.
Then …. let it go. It’s not worth losing a friendship over. And look on the bright side. Because, trust me, there is a bright side.
There’s a fine line between righteous indignation and becoming the person who’s screeching about how your cousin stole the baby name you made up (“Brinley”), completely unaware of the fact that so have a thousand other people.
Your friend didn’t “steal” your wedding plans — at least, no more than the other couples who get married at the same venue have “stolen” them.
What’s more, there’s a lot more to a wedding than where it’s held.
You’re probably completely immersed in the minutiae of wedding planning, so you may have lost sight of why people attend weddings.
The wedding industry acts as though there’s nothing the rest of us want more than to have our weekend arranged by someone else, eat what they decide to feed us, and wear shoes that we haul out of the closet twice a year, having forgotten that — one Electric Slide later — we’ll be willing to gnaw off our ankles to get the torture devices off our feet.
The truth is, there’s only one reason to go through the inconvenience of attending a wedding: you care about the people getting married and want to be there to share the moment with them. Beyond that, it’s all about hoping that the food isn’t terrible and the deejay isn’t trying to impress everyone with his esoteric taste.
No matter where it’s being held, your wedding won’t be the same in the eyes of the people who attend because they’re attending for you and your fiancé, not so they can admire the curtains in the reception area.
And it’s even a good thing that your wedding is second. After all, how many brides get to do a full trial run at someone else’s expense?
You’ll be able to go to her wedding, wish her well, and make a ton of notes about what you can change to improve the experience. Thanks to her, you’ll know that the sound needs a boost in the dining room, the barbecue needs a 30 minute head-start, and the pool snacks should be a lot smaller.
Armed with this knowledge, you can ensure your wedding is even better than you envisioned. And if you’re still feeling a little miffed about it, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing it outshines your friend’s event.
Honestly, it’s your friend who should be kicking herself. All you have to do is be the perfect best friend — gracious, kind, and understanding. Because in the end, you’re going to be the one who benefits the most from the “stolen” wedding.